Elena's Diary
by Charlie'sLostVampire
Summary: Entries that Elena Gilbert has written in her diary, starting with 3x10 "The New Deal". Rated mature for possible content in future entries.
1. The New Deal

Dear Diary,

So much has happened today… I really don't know what to start with. The day started off fairly normal… well, as normal as a day in Mystic Falls can be these days. I decided to go for a jog to clear my head, and there was this really weird guy in a hoody following me. I ended up running into him, and it turned out that I was just paranoid; he was perfectly normal.

So, then Bonnie and I went to the Grill for lunch, and it turns out she's been having this weird dream about coffins over and over. Apparently there are four, and Klaus is inside one of them.

Speaking of Klaus, things got… interesting at the Grill. I had been talking to Damon, when HE showed up behind me. Stefan stole from him, and now he expects me to lure Stefan back here. Just one problem; Stefan doesn't care about me anymore.

So, Klaus decided to use his best, and favorite, weapon; violence. He compelled Jeremy to get hit by a car! Luckily, Alaric saved him, but ended up getting hit himself, instead. He was supposed to be fine, but his ring didn't work properly, and then this hybrid showed up at my door, and Jeremy had to kill him by chopping off his head with a butcher knife…

Diary, it's all just too much. I can't handle it… and, to make matters worse, the thing Stefan "stole" from Klaus was the coffins that contain his daggered family. And Klaus isn't going to stop until Stefan gives them back.

So… I had to get Damon to compel Jeremy to leave Mystic Falls. I feel terrible about it; I've taken away enough of his choices in the past, and here I am doing it again… but, it's for his own good. If he stays here, he'll be the first Klaus will kill.

But that still leaves everyone else I care about. Ric, Bonnie, Caroline… and Damon.

I think I'm most afraid of losing Damon. Somewhere along the lines, he became the most important person in my life… and the idea of losing him terrifies me. He's helped me get through so much this summer, and I need him now more than ever. But… it's for that reason that he's in so much danger. In fact, Klaus will probably go after him next exactly for that reason. Diary, I don't just care about him anymore. He isn't only my friend. I… I think I love him.

I've fallen in love with Damon Salvatore. I'm literally an exact copy of Katherine.

I suppose I shouldn't say that… if Damon ever read it, he would probably kill me. Or, at least give me another of his "You will never be Katherine" lectures. But it's the truth. I love him.

And he kissed me tonight, Diary. After he compelled Jeremy, we were out on the porch, and he told me that Stefan betrayed us to save his life. If Klaus died, the hybrids would have killed Damon. He told me that he had hoped he wouldn't have to feel guilty anymore; for wanting what he wants. Which, evidently, happens to be me. But, because I was "his brother's girl" he felt guilty for what he wanted. He started to walk away, but then stopped himself, and told me that, if he was going to feel guilty about something, it would be for this…

And then he kissed me. And I kissed him back, Diary. I didn't object at all. In fact, I liked it. I hated it when he pulled away and said good night. I wanted him to stay there, forever, with me.

Does that make me selfish, Diary? Is it fair that, after all I put Damon through, telling him it would always be Stefan, that now I want him? No. It's not. Because… I don't deserve him. I don't deserve to have Damon Salvatore still love me after the hell I put him through.

But he does. And now, I love him, too. So, the only question is…

What do I do now, Diary?


	2. Our Town

Elena's Diary

"Our Town"

Dear Diary,

I'm done. I am beyond done. I'm still in shock, so I can barely even write this… but I have to. I _**need**_to. I have to tell someone exactly how I'm feeling right now, and I can't tell a real person. No one would really understand. Not Bonnie, not Caroline, not Alaric… not even Damon.

Oh, God; Damon. He's just so sweet about everything… I don't deserve it. I pretty much rejected his kiss from the other night, and he still can't seem to be upset with me. He's giving me time. But, Diary; what if time won't help? It's been four months, and I still can't seem to move on. But, I'm definitely one step closer after what happened tonight. What Stefan put me through tonight? It was cruel and unthinkable… completely inhuman. Completely the opposite of what he used to be, and it was all just to get back at Klaus. He threatened me! He kidnapped me, shoved me in his car, and wouldn't let me out. Then, he called Klaus and fed me his blood, threatening to drive off of Wickery Bridge and turn to into a vampire. He was going to kill me! To make matters worse, he was going to do it in the exact same spot my parents both died. In the place that I should have died, but didn't because **he **saved me. If I had any doubts that he was gone, there are none now. The real Stefan would never have done that to me. Never. God, DAMON had to pick me up! He found me walking home by myself, because Stefan just left me there! He left me there! Only God knows what could have happened to me… then again, maybe that was the point. Get his stupid message across to Klaus.

Not to mention Jeremy left today. He's officially headed to Denver on a plane as I write this. Ric and I dropped him off earlier today. Yeah, that's right; the one family member I have left is officially gone. But, at least this way, I know he'll be safe. I don't think Bonnie will ever forgive me, though…

Oh, and how could I forget! It was Caroline's birthday today! How did she celebrate it? Well, we threw her an amazing _**funeral, **_and then Tyler bit her. Nothing says "Happy Birthday!" like a death sentence. For some reason, Mrs. Forbes told me that Klaus came over and cured her. Why? I have no idea. But it can't be good. Klaus only saves people if they're useful to him. And I don't want Caroline involved in this anymore than she has to be. But, if Klaus wants her… I don't think she could get any more involved.

But, do you want to know the weirdest part of everything that's happened to me? Through it all, of all the people it could have been, Matt was the person who really made me feel better. He helped me let go of my old life, and come to terms with my new one. I guess it's just nice to know that, as long as I have Matt, I'll still have a piece of my old life, always to be cherished.

But, do you know what scares me? What if I don't always have Matt? What if something happens to my only normal friend I have left… and it was because of me? 


	3. The Ties That Bind

Dear Diary,

Well, today was… eventful. Okay; it was hell. It started off alright; Bonnie was over, and we were looking through different articles Caroline's mom got us on all the Abby Bennetts in the country. Why, you ask? Why, after over fifteen years, does Bonnie want to find her mother? Simple; it all loops back around to Klaus. You see… in order to get the fourth coffin open, we need another witch. A.K.A. finding Bonnie's mom suddenly became very important. Of course, everything Sheriff Forbes found us was a bust; Damon was the one who found us the Abby Bennett we were looking for.

I feel like I always have something to say about Damon when I write lately… I guess I need to vent. Well, it's like this; I told him he couldn't come with me and Bonnie, so he let the cat out of the bag and told her that we kissed. Very abruptly, by the way! Then he left. He just…left! He left me to explain everything on my own! It's been a while, but this morning I finally got that old feeling back; the one where I would love to strangle Damon Salvatore.

Lucky for me, Bonnie didn't bring it up. Until we were in the car on the way to her mom's house. She asked me how it was. I said it was nothing. She automatically assumed that meant I liked it. How is it that everyone has an opinion on my kiss with Damon except for me? I still have no idea how I felt about it! We both just got so caught up in the moment… and I'm so scared I'm starting to regret it… because if I do, it could push Damon over the edge. If I tell him that, after everything we've been through the past few months his kiss meant nothing to me…?

No. I couldn't say it meant nothing to me, because I would be lying. It meant something. But what did it mean?

Flash-forward one awkward car trip, and we ended up at this little ranch style red house. We met this guy, Jamie, who lives with Bonnie's mom and he let us inside. Then, Abby finally showed up… and things got really awkward really fast. Main reason being she doesn't have any magic. None. Nada. According to Bonnie, she used it to trap Mikael.

But, I wouldn't find this out until later. Because I went outside. And guess who happened to be exactly where I told him not to be? Stefan.

Let's just say, things didn't end well. We were arguing in the barn by the house when Jamie walked in. Stefan thought he compelled him to leave… but he didn't. Instead, Jamie came back and shot Stefan with wooden bullets, and tied me to a pillar. Charming guy, right? Well, he probably is; he was compelled by a hybrid. Which meant only one thing could be going on back home; Klaus drama.

But, I had my own drama to deal with before I even went home… when I took the bullets out of Stefan, I… may have told him about my kiss with Damon. When I told him, I expected him to freak out. Heck, I was expecting the ripper to shine through! But he didn't. He looked… hurt. It killed me. He just sat there and said nothing. He did nothing. Then he got up and walked away.

I didn't know what to do, so I left him alone for a while. Then I went back out to talk to him… and he told me that Damon didn't deserve me. That neither of them did. Then he drove away and left me there. A bit of a habit he's developing… but that's not the point. The point is, Stefan having his emotions back has done nothing but confuse me more. Dammit! I hate this. I hate my life! I hate being the doppelganger, I hate that my best friends are a witch and a vampire, and I hate being stuck between Stefan and Damon all the time!

Before all of this happened, had you asked me who I chose, I would have said Stefan right off the bat. No need to think about it. It would always be Stefan.

But then Stefan left. He left me alone. With Damon. Things were bound to happen… and they did. Things I can't change. Things I don't know if I want to change. Yes, I admit it; I have feelings for Damon. Is it love? I don't know yet. All I know is this; where being with Stefan was safe and comforting, being with Damon is crazy and exhilarating. With Stefan there was always love… but with Damon there's that fine line between friendship and something more… a passion ready to explode. I don't know how much more I can take before I'll be forced to choose. But how the hell am I supposed to choose between them? I can't hurt them. Neither of them.

I can't be Katherine.

On a lighter note, I walked in on Alaric making out with Meredith Fell in our living room. I know I said it was fine but… kissing someone else? In Jenna's house? Awkward…


	4. Bringing Out the Dead

Dear Diary,

I have no idea what to think anymore. I'm starting to think that maybe _I'm _cursed with some kind of horrible luck; you will never believe the awful things that happened today. First, I went to see Caroline in the hospital, because her dad was attacked by Tyler last night. Of course her dad, being as stubborn as always, had apparently been discharged last night and left without calling Caroline. Or so we thought. Caroline called him to find out where he was, and heard his phone ringing in the hospital. We found him in a storage room. Dead. Not just dead, though; he was murdered. With vampire blood in his system. Yeah, that's right; Bill Forbes, vampire hater to the extreme, was becoming what he despised most. It was like John turning into a vampire. Of course, he refused to feed when he woke up, and he died earlier tonight. Caroline is devastated, and I feel awful… her mom is with her.

But that isn't MY bad luck problem of the day. No, _I _came home with Matt to find my electricity off, and blood soaking my kitchen floor.

Alaric was attacked, likely by the same person who went after Bill Forbes. The worst part was, they were human, so his ring wouldn't save him. Now, don't jump to conclusions; he's alive. But only because I, being a doppelganger and supernatural, had to kill him. I killed Alaric. _I had to murder Alaric to save his life! _

The worst part was, when I called Damon for support, he ignored my call. Damon Salvatore, who is basically there for me even when I don't want him to be, didn't answer when I needed him most. Honestly, I have no idea where he's been all night. But I have a bad feeling.

The worst part about Alaric being attacked is that we think it was his new girlfriend, Meredith Fell. I feel horrible; I want nothing more than for Ric to be happy. When he finally is close to being happy again, he gets stabbed. The poor guy just can't win.

Then again, this is Mystic Falls. As long as we live here, I don't think any of us can win…


	5. Dangerous Liaisons

Dear Diary,

So… the Originals decided it would be a good idea to throw a ball. Oh, I'm sorry; did I say the Originals? I meant to say _the Mikaelsons. _Yeah, you heard correctly; they decided to give themselves a last name. _Mikaelson. _Almost as in; we're a family again! Except for Dad, because Klaus killed him. Oh, I know! Let's make our last name Mikaelson in his honor!

I'm sorry; I'm rambling now. I guess I just really don't even want to write about what happened at "said ball". But, if I don't get my feelings out now, they're going to haunt my dreams tonight. Then again, they probably still will… oh, who am I kidding? Of course they will! I basically ruined the lives of everyone I know tonight. Ironically enough, I think the only person who I _didn't _hurt was Stefan.

So, I'll start at the beginning. Last night, I went to check on Ric in the hospital. He's doing okay, but it's going to take him a while to heal; it worries me. Normally, he would be back to his regular self by now. I'm starting to think Damon is right about his ring losing its power… then again, when you've been killed as many times as Ric has, maybe it's just… running low on batteries. But, visiting Ric wasn't the highlight of my night. Let's just say, Matt walked me out of the hospital, said goodnight, and went on his merry way. I was about to, too; until Rebekah popped out of nowhere and tried to kill me! Of course, I suppose I deserved it… I did stab her in the back. Literally. But still! Elijah ended up saving my life, yet again, but I still feel like Rebekah could appear at any moment and pop me. Great; I now have yet another enemy. Remember the good old days when Katherine was my biggest problem? Yeah, I miss that. No damn Originals…

Anyway, I called Stefan and Damon this morning, to tell them about what happened last night. We were talking about it in my kitchen when there was a knock on my front door. I answered it, and at first I thought that no one was there. That's when I saw it; an invitation with my name on it, graciously inviting me to the Mikaelson's ball. We were all a bit confused. That is, until I read what was on the back. _Esther wanted to meet me. _

Of course, Damon and Stefan were both very quick to tell me that I couldn't go. Great to know things were back to normal… but as if I was going to listen to them._ The Original Witch wanted to meet me. _Quite frankly, I wanted to hear what she had to say. Yeah, I know; that probably makes me an idiot, and possibly suicidal… but I went. Stefan, emotionless as always, simply told me I shouldn't be there. It was Damon who flipped out and tried to force me out of the house. I wasn't going to have any of that, though; Esther chose that moment to declare that we all had to do some kind of age old waltz. I started out dancing with Damon, and he told me that I looked stunning… I thanked him, even though I knew he would rather me be at home in my PJs rather than there in a fancy ball gown. Before I knew it we were all switching partners, and I was suddenly dancing with Stefan. I told him we needed to talk. We went outside, and I told him that I wanted to meet Esther, but that Damon wasn't going to let me. As much as I hated myself for declaring it… he was a liability, and had to be… controlled. But, when I told Stefan to "control" him, I never entailed breaking his back! I was horrified; even though I knew he would wake up, there was Damon, on the floor, dead right in front of me. _Because of me. _I got out of there as fast as I could, and went to meet Esther. Elijah caught me first, though, and made me agree to relay everything she said back to him. Elijah was the first person I technically "betrayed" that night. Because Esther had a plan. A plan I needed to be a part of.

A plan to kill Klaus.

There was one major catch, though; with this plan, if Klaus died, they all died. Every single Original sibling. But I had to agree; it was what was best for everyone. Esther needed my blood, the blood of the doppelganger, to perform the spell… and I gave it to her.

I signed their death sentences.

After I did that, I went back downstairs to ensure that Elijah drank his "cursed" wine, which would bind all of the Originals together. That way, if one of them dies, Klaus, and the rest of them, die along with them. I hated myself for lying to Elijah about his mother's intentions; of all of the Originals, he may have been the only one I had come to trust. I even liked Elijah. He was noble, unlike the rest of his brothers and sister.

After the toasts had been made, Damon cornered me. Again. He tried to get me to leave, but I wouldn't. He seemed angry. Really angry at me. I asked him why, and he said it was because he loved me.

He loves me; and I broke his heart. I said "Maybe that's the problem" instead of telling him that I care about him, too. God, how stupid am I? Damon was good. He was trustworthy, and a better man. A man that, damn it, I care about whether I want to or not. And he's a good man _because _he loves me. He turned on his emotions and let people in because of how he felt about me. I may have very well just ruined everything. My rejection may have pushed him further away than anything else ever did. I felt awful about what he said next. He started talking about how ironic it was that, in the end, the fact that he cared had made him a liability. It was just like homecoming, when we had said Stefan not having emotions made _him _a liability.

The thing that is terrifying me more than anything else right now is… what if Damon turns it off? What if, after all we've been through over the past few months, I just dumped it all down the drain? It became pretty evident that he was being reckless and acting out when he attacked Kol not long after I said that to him. Then he left. He just… left. I have no idea where he is; he won't answer my calls. Not that I blame him… I don't deserve to have him answer. I don't deserve to explain. After everything that's happened since I met the Salvatores…

_I don't deserve Damon._

I got a ride home with Stefan after Kol was attacked, because I was afraid of what might happen next. We started talking, and I confronted him about how he can possibly just pretend to turn it off. I told him that I would never be able to do that, and practically begged for him to show me some sign that he still cared. For a moment, I thought he was going to. I thought he might say something, show me something… I thought he was going to kiss me. But he just… left. He's standing by his idea that destroying Klaus is all he has left.

Both Salvatore brothers just… left me tonight. It made me come to a conclusion I should have realized months ago.

I don't deserve either of them.


End file.
